Edition eight: Purpose when the light goes out
Rebuilding meaning without self-worth
It can often seem as though we talk about purpose as if it’s the natural reward for knowing what you love, what you’re good at, and what you can offer to the world. This is because we mine our life stories for what we have found meaning in, for our unique contributions. But what happens when you don’t know anymore? When depression, grief, addiction, or trauma pull the colour from everything you once believed about yourself, how do you find purpose when even self-worth feels out of reach?
If meaning is not something we find, but something we assign, then it makes sense that when our inner world breaks apart, the meanings we once gave to our lives also break apart. Lisa Feldman Barrett, neuroscientist and author of How Emotions Are Made, reminds us that emotions - and the meanings we attach to them - are constructed, not automatic. We build our emotional reality moment by moment, based on past experience, context, and prediction. And when that system is flooded by loss or despair, the stories we tell ourselves change.
Aaron Beck, one of the founders of cognitive therapy, called this the “negative cognitive triad”. When depression convinces us that the self is worthless, the world is hopeless, and the future is meaningless. It’s not just that you feel sad. It’s that everything you once knew about yourself gets rewritten in darker ink.
In those moments, the idea of purpose - to accomplish something that is, at the same time, meaningful to oneself and consequential for the world beyond oneself - can feel cruelly out of reach. Because what if you no longer find meaning in … anything? What if you no longer believe you can be consequential?
Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and survivor of the Holocaust, offers a deeply humble explanation of how this feels:
“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”
Frankl’s work shows that even in the worst conditions, meaning is possible, but not necessarily grand or glorious. Sometimes meaning is a choice made moment to moment: to endure one more day, to offer kindness when you have very little left, to believe that your suffering can be woven into a larger story of survival and care.
When the big stories fall away, purpose starts small. It might be reaching out to a friend even when shame tells you to hide. It might be creating something, a meal, a sentence, a drawing - even when you feel empty. It might be choosing to stay when everything inside you wants to give up. Tiny, defiant acts of meaning that stitch your story back together, thread by thread.
Matt Haig, in his raw account of surviving depression (Reasons to Stay Alive), writes:
“The bottom of the valley never provides the clearest view. But that doesn’t mean there is no view, or that you won’t find your way up the sides and see the sky again.”
At The Excitable Soul, we believe that purpose isn’t a prize for the healed, it can be the fragile bridge we build toward healing. Purpose doesn’t require perfection, passion, or even self-confidence, far from it.
It only requires one quiet, stubborn belief: that your life means something, always, especially in the darkness.
Just take a look…
If you are struggling with depression, grief, or a loss of hope, you are not alone. Reaching out for support is an act of courage, not a sign of weakness. Here are some trusted organisations that offer listening, guidance, and help:
Mind (UK) - a mental health charity offering advice and support.
Samaritans (UK and worldwide) - 24/7 listening support for anyone in distress. (Call 116 123 free from any phone in the UK)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US) - confidential support 24/7. (Call or text 988)
Crisis Text Line (US, UK, Canada, Ireland) - text-based crisis support. (Text HOME to 741741)
Grief and loss support:
Cruse Bereavement Support (UK) - grief counselling and resources.
The Compassionate Friends (Worldwide) - support for families after the death of a child.
GriefShare (International) - support groups and resources for those grieving a loss.