Episode #31 Arabella Ashfield
Finding Humour and Honesty in Purpose, Parenting, and Personal Growth
Welcome to The Excitable Soul Podcast! In today's episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Arabella Ashfield, an executive coach and founder of Ascending Motherhood. Arabella joins us to share her journey of embracing openness, honesty, and humour—especially through the challenging yet rewarding experience of parenting.
We'll dive into Arabella's unique philosophy on life, explore the humour in the everyday chaos of raising children, and discuss her transition from a high-achieving career in elite sports to a purpose-driven path of supporting mothers through significant life transitions. Along the way, you'll hear anecdotes that highlight her insightful approach to personal growth and fulfilment, as well as her thoughts on the intersection of ambition and emotional well-being.
Join us as we uncover how Arabella has navigated her career and motherhood with a blend of curiosity, compassion, and resilience, and how she continues to pioneer ways for others to find deeper meaning and connection in their lives. Whether you're a parent, a professional, or someone searching for your purpose, this conversation is sure to offer inspiration and practical wisdom.
Links in the episode:
Read the transcript here
James Glover [00:00:09]:
Alrighty. Welcome to the excitable soul podcast. Here, we are interested in all things purpose. We want to know where and how people find meaning and connection in their lives. In every episode, we're gonna be hearing the real life stories of how people have uncovered, understood, and unleashed their own unique sense of purpose. Our hope is that we can all learn from the stories and the journeys of our guests so that we can better find the sense of purpose in our own lives. I'm host James Glover, performance coach and purpose nerd. I'm incredibly excited to be exploring these stories with you.
James Glover [00:00:44]:
So let's get going, shall we? Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to today's episode. We have Arabella Ashfield with us. Arabella is an executive coach and founder of Ascending Motherhood, a coaching practice dedicated to helping mothers navigate the complex transitions of motherhood and work. Drawing on her academic background in positive psychology and a PhD in well-being, she provides guidance on everything from returning to work after maternity leave to building confidence and redefining identity. With a decade of experience in high performance environments, including 8 years with the GB Olympic cycling team, Arabella understands the challenges of balancing ambition with personal fulfillment. In this episode, we'll be exploring her journey and her insights on making sense of the world and how purpose has led her to empowering mothers to flourish at home and in their careers. Enjoy.
James Glover [00:01:39]:
Hello, Arabella. Welcome to the Excitable Soul podcast. Mega to have you with us today. How are you feeling?
Arabella Ashfield [00:01:44]:
I'm good. Thank you, James. Thank you so much for having me. Just just dealing with just a small drama there as we were about to go live, were we not?
James Glover [00:01:53]:
Yeah. I love it. I love it.
Arabella Ashfield [00:01:55]:
Welcome on to children in a little bit.
James Glover [00:01:57]:
Yeah. The total pros that we are. Right? Just literally about to kick off and there's been an an emergency or should we say, just to make sure that everybody that's listening doesn't doesn't think that we're blase about it, but it feels like a real emergency. There was some muddy knees, muddy jeans, muddy trousers, and a school disco that has to be attended.
Arabella Ashfield [00:02:16]:
Yes. And this is every parent's nightmare, isn't it? The phone rings and the school name comes up or your child's, like, child's name followed by school, and you're like, oh, oh, no. Or nursery, oh, no. You know, someone's got a temperature, elevated temperature. Haven't you given them a cow poll? And this this particular one, just as I'm about to chat to you, yes. My son has muddy trousers, and can I drop some off? Well, not right at this minute, but I I'm very, very appreciative of you wanting him to have obviously, not for you running around in his pants at the school disco because that's not a good way to start life. So, yeah, all in all, we'll we'll we'll fix that in about an hour's time. So, yeah, that's what we're rolling with, and that's what parents do.
Arabella Ashfield [00:02:59]:
They crack on and they sort issues out.
James Glover [00:03:01]:
Yeah. I love it. I love it. And could you imagine? Right? So with, you know, this is a this is a conversation about meaning and purpose and where over the course of your life's journey, you've you've kind of associated and assigned meaning to things. Like, we could genuinely be scarring a small person right now. It felt like their first school disco memory is, mom made me go in my pants. I never lived it down.
Arabella Ashfield [00:03:26]:
Yeah. Exactly. And, also, what what's what's, you know, meaningful in a child's life? I can't go to the disco because I don't have any trails. You know, it's yeah. Obviously, priorities. Yeah. Oh, it's just just roll with it. You have to.
Arabella Ashfield [00:03:42]:
It's what it is. But literally, just what was that like? 10 minutes into our initial conversation, and I'm like, it just I just gotta take this phone call. Sorry.
James Glover [00:03:51]:
Yeah. No. Bear with, Cora. Well, listen. Thank you for for for being with us today. Really excited for this conversation. I think, the the kind of the purposeful experiences that you've had both personally and professionally in the journey that you've been on, I think it's gonna be a real treat for for our listeners today. And so I guess it'd be just really great to start.
James Glover [00:04:12]:
Let let's do the kind of the timeline journey experience really so that kind of things can unfold. You know, for for you, if we if we kinda start by looking back a little bit, where are some of the kind of the moments that really kicked off your in your your understanding, your awareness, your connection to purpose, those moments that really kinda shaped you?
Arabella Ashfield [00:04:33]:
I moments that shaped you. It it feels that feels really big, doesn't it? Because you think, gosh. It was this sort of really memorable moment that and for a lot of people, that is. I think I find myself kind of looking back and reflecting on times again, maybe that was quite pivotal or that really, like, took a a twist and a change. And I think I think some of it was being involved in sport as a younger as as a child and then just kind of being no. Quite luckily quite good at that. And I was, you know, I was I was alright at it, so I managed to do it well enough. But, actually, just ending up probably going to university, just doing what I liked rather than necessarily what I was actually good at.
Arabella Ashfield [00:05:19]:
And I think I've kind of then did a full circle in a way to what I was good at. And I think so I kinda started off with sport and exercise science as my degree, but I'm not particularly I'm not actually particularly scientific or science based or a hard science person. What I'm far more interested in is conversation and language. And my only ambition, I think, like, if you ask me as, like, as a kid, what was the one thing I wanted to be able to do, and it was speak French fluently. That has nothing to do with with foreign exercise science. But I loved culture. I loved language. I loved the playfulness of that.
Arabella Ashfield [00:05:58]:
I love how people use it, how and then that led me to kind of doing more psychology based work and then background my PhD around kind of, well, what does people what stories do people tell about themselves? How do they understand themselves through what they talk about? So I think I've looked back and see those sort of moments going full circle, and that's then, if anything, gives me the clarity that that's where my purpose lies in a way.
James Glover [00:06:27]:
Yeah. That makes sense? Interesting. So there's, like, there's something, immediately, even just as you're kinda giving the headlines there where, you know, look at look at how the dots connect. There's something about choices and what informs choices. So I'm good at some stuff, but I really love some stuff. And, actually, I'm gonna make a choice in this moment to go with the thing I love rather than the thing I'm good at. But then also this kind of sense of how things can kind of come full circle. And even in the choice points within the journey, like, I love language, and I love people, and I love the there is something about the fact that you used the word love there, like, 4 times right at the very beginning of all of this.
James Glover [00:07:07]:
So just, just talk to us a little bit about those kind of choice point moments. So what drew you towards the thing that you, like, connected with? So you felt, oh, I love doing this versus, oh, I'm just really good at that, which, you know, that's a really interesting kind of moment in its own right.
Arabella Ashfield [00:07:24]:
Yeah. And I think I think there are some people in the world who are really kind of like, I made this choice. It was so clear, and I and I went down this route. And I think I kind of just went with a bit of a flow, really, in some regards. And then probably only more recently, I don't know if that's getting older wiser. Older wise are questionable. But, you know, like, whether that's a kind of decision later on about definitely going, no. Actually, this is what I enjoy doing.
Arabella Ashfield [00:07:55]:
And then and and making more of a purposeful choice at that point rather than before being I don't know. What is it? Is it luck that you end up there? It's not entirely luck. It's good it's it's decisions. So moving when I was working in an elite sport, like, moving from different sports, making, I guess, day to day choices there around the athletes that I was supporting. But I think I still kinda just went with that and enjoyed it, and it was good. But I think then when I decided that I was gonna do my own venture, that was that obviously is a big decision and is a kind of far more very purpose driven actually, but very much a kind of, an active decision rather than a found yourself there kind of process.
James Glover [00:08:40]:
Alright. Cool. So let let's get into that transition in a second because I think there's just something really magical about that kind of that shift and that change. I just want to kinda stay in this space for a moment of, you said, like, going with the flow and or found yourself there. So it almost feels like a kind of passive or kind of reactive experience to some degree. And actually, I'm I wanna kinda nudge you a little bit and go, I'm not so sure how or I'm interested to know how you experience that kind of passive reactiveness because I think maybe it feels like there's something else in there too.
Arabella Ashfield [00:09:15]:
That's a good point actually because I think maybe now, just as you said that then, I made a very active decision to leave my first what was my first academic post, off the back of, like, when I was doing, kind of midway through my PhD, do an academic post. And I left that to purposefully go and become what was then a performance lifestyle adviser. And because I had then found that this job existed and it was the applied version of what I was studying, and I was this really annoying person, but, like, yeah. But this is really important. This is how we can support athletes, and we can do this, and still believe that. But, I think, actually, yeah, I did take a bold decision of of moving out of that to go and do, a job which was completely different, in a really kind of, like, growing area, and that was definitely a jump. But I also it was absolutely the right jump to do, and it was a it was a decision that I absolutely loved and, was the right thing to do. But it was definitely yeah.
Arabella Ashfield [00:10:30]:
So it was a it was a drop in salary at the time. It was which isn't necessarily all that problematic, but it was quite a considerable drop in salary. And it was then like, not that that governs me particularly at all, but it was, you know, that's a decision you make, then it's kind of like, is this what I want to do? And, yeah, it was an absolute, yes. I do. So that maybe that actually is far more purposeful. But I think some of the other flow stuff, like, just yeah. I started out on a on an MRes with my with my PhD, so a master's in research, right, and then kind of just kept going. Like, I didn't necessarily intend to intend to have a PhD.
Arabella Ashfield [00:11:12]:
And then, actually, I was just working really hard and people went, well, you know, if you kinda keep going with that, you can have a PhD. And I was like, oh, yeah. Okay. So just kinda worked a bit a bit hard. Well, not a bit hard. I got it. It was very hard work. But, yeah, just, yeah, like, just allowing yourself to do it a bit, I think, with a lot of lot of doubt along the way.
Arabella Ashfield [00:11:34]:
Don't get me wrong. But, yeah, I I wasn't sort of, I'm gonna do this sort of thing. I've just sort of did it and was like, yeah. Let's just keep going. Keep checking our
James Glover [00:11:46]:
And so, like, take us back into that kind of choice moment as well. So, you know, you talked about going to university kind of go I'm gonna I'm gonna focus on the thing I enjoy rather than maybe the thing I'm good at, but that actually ended up on a journey into, MRes and then into a PhD. So what was it that you were studying that you really loved? What was it that you found in that choice and that experience that then meant you kind of continued on that journey or deepened that journey?
Arabella Ashfield [00:12:12]:
I I I just loved why people did what they did or or do what they do. Why do people think like that? Why do they, make those decisions off the back of those feelings? And that for me was just just very simple. It was that was interesting. It was more interesting than a training protocol. Like, the for me, that's what it that was more interesting. For others, it would have been exactly the opposite. Right? Like, that's fine. And I find that very interesting.
Arabella Ashfield [00:12:54]:
I think it's still really interesting when you hear just in day to day conversation, if someone's got, you know, some interesting stories to tell. And people have always there's always something, like, that's like, that people will or won't share or or at what point they do share something that's really interesting, and that's unique to them. And everyone's experience is unique, and it's, that's their life. Like, what it means to them is really important. So I think that and now, like I said before, like, I reflect on that now that that's what I enjoy. But I think it takes that time to appreciate what that means to me. And whereas before, I was just like, oh, it's just this is just really interesting, isn't it? Why do people do these things? And because I started to look at why do people do things like risk taking behavior. So things like why would they why do how do do athletes kind of perform quite risky sports, and would do that after an injury.
Arabella Ashfield [00:13:58]:
So I just kinda I looked at that for my dissertation and stuff and and just, yeah, from there, kind of just wanted to explore more of that. And I went on to look at, well, not just what it meant to be a performer as a an as an athletic performer, but what life as a whole looked like with that. So the the bigger things and all of the other things that impact our lives because we're not, we're not just exclusively in one domain. We're you know, we live our whole lives all of the time, and we might be better at dipping in and out of those. But, essentially, they those elements can still be at play. So some people are really, like, really focused in that one moment, absolutely, but there are still other impacting factors. And I I was very interested in then the whole person and the whole messiness of life than than kind of just the performance element. So that's where I then kinda took that.
James Glover [00:14:56]:
And so what what was it about this kind of, this human experience that felt really meaningful to you or felt important to you to kind of to discover, to understand, to kind of generate a greater level of granularity in? What what was it that kind of provoked that level of curiosity specifically around that, that area?
Arabella Ashfield [00:15:17]:
I think there's an element of who I've been surrounded by. So, like, your upbringing shapes that. So when you think about your parents, how they are, the people that, surround you as I've I've I've thought about this more recently about sort of female figures that were kind of present in my life were actually really strong, educated, articulate women, and I kinda didn't really realize that anything else would exist. Like so if I have met some people that are a bit, like, not like that, I'd be like, okay. I think I was surrounded by people that were very were quite, yeah, just articulate bright women. And, I found that that was a dominant feature. And I I'm interested, like, you know, why how have they got to be like that if they've grown up in a certain decade or something? Or if somebody is, you know, less, articulate or less, assertive with their opinions, like, what's what what are they where have they lived and where have they been? That means that they are less forthcoming with that. It's not a judgment on that.
Arabella Ashfield [00:16:41]:
It's just an interesting fact. I'm not saying at all that one is better than the other. It's just what are we exposed to and why do those things come about, and why do they then nurture some of those qualities in us? Like, we are a product of our experience. So what are we what are we exposed to that bring about some of those characteristics in us as we grow up. And that that I think again is really interesting. So I always think there's something there's there's always something broader around the kind of it's it's sociocultural and there's and an emotional level to it as well. All of those things have an impact. So I think that and current affairs, I've always been interested in that.
Arabella Ashfield [00:17:26]:
I think that, you know, again, that provides your cultural context. So they have an it I think it's just really interesting. Yeah. Because no t people are the same. And and if if you dare to look outside of your own what's your own world view and your own norms, you see something very different, and it can be quite challenging. It could be, quite scary. But if you can if you can start to sort of see why things might contribute to that, I think I find it interesting, but I guess there's a there's a use to that, I would argue. But Yeah.
James Glover [00:18:06]:
I love that, the kind of the start point here as you're answering that question was, you know, the norm for me was this kind of strong, educated, articulate female role modeling and almost then looking around and going, alright. So this isn't everywhere, actually. There are some gaps. What why is that? What's hap what is happening out here? Like, why do these gaps exist? And you you're making a really, I think, strong provocation. Like, if you dare to look outside of, you know, how often are we are we kind of encapsulate or caught within our own world view, and therefore, every decision, every choice, every insight, that we generate is is is a product of that lens, which, you know, can have lord knows how many different filters applied to it. It's almost like a, you know, Instagram post. You don't know what the reality is because there could be so much going on, going on to to kind of create the image that you see. So that that willingness to dare, that willingness to kind of see beyond that, and then the willingness to explore, that kind of felt felt intuitively curious to you.
James Glover [00:19:17]:
But interestingly, it's something for everybody else to kind of just actively consider. Like, what is your worldview? How does that shape what you're seeing in the world around you, and what else might be out there or possible even if it's confronting?
Arabella Ashfield [00:19:29]:
Yeah. Absolutely. And I and I think even these things where, you know, where you don't feel comfortable. I didn't feel 100% at home with my course sometimes, and and there were lots of great people on it and really lovely people, but I didn't feel necessarily like I was completely at home in that environment. So where was my where were my people or where was my place? And then questioning, like, actually, it's okay to feel that bit uncomfortable because it might look different further down the line. But, yeah, you you know, when you when you realize that you can be in a place and look around and like, oh, this is not quite me, or this really is me. Like, what does that look like? But you're right. It's it's so many different layers and contributing factors.
Arabella Ashfield [00:20:23]:
Like, I think if we all just looked I mean, gosh. Don't wanna get too heavy with current affairs. But, you know, if you kinda do just think, gosh, if we would could just be a little bit broader in the way that we could embrace others, we'd we'd we'd we'd be in a better place. Right? Like, obviously, that sounds. So yeah.
James Glover [00:20:44]:
Well no. Because I think there's there's something really, connected to purpose for me in in this element of the conversation. Like, the willingness to be able to see beyond what feels comfortable or true for you often need some some kind of anchor around perception and perspective. And and some for a lot of people, like, having a really deep sense of meaning and contribution can help them stay out of just the kind of the regularity and routine that ends up being really narrow. And, you know, to your point, if we just look at the way that the world is kind of polarizing right now and just there's just this creation of them and us literally everywhere. And, like, can can we step back from that and go, well, is there something greater than all of our own self interests that we can be in service of here? Because that's really what purpose is is asking us to do, isn't it? If we can go, what really matters and what what contribution can I make to that? Often that is beyond us. It's beyond the self. It's beyond just my small element or part of the world and and is is is connected to the bigger whole.
Arabella Ashfield [00:22:00]:
Absolutely. Yeah. I mean and and also, so it's something that's bigger than us. I'm I'm quite a strong, quite an ardent atheist. So for me, that can be quite challenging. I was thinking about this ahead of this is a you know, that can be quite a challenge because then you you there's the the chance sometimes to think, well, what is there beyond us just the the chance that we happen to be on this planet kind of feeling? But, actually, if we can take that moment to go, what's more important that we have this division and and those sorts of things? But and also to to sometimes to say to flip that, to flip what you were saying there and kinda go, is it important? Like, it really isn't that important. Like, let let that go. You know? Like, let it go.
Arabella Ashfield [00:22:51]:
It's not that important. And I you know, that that's really that really varies for all of us at different points. Right? But sometimes it also is just let it go. That's not that important.
James Glover [00:23:05]:
Yeah. For sure. And I think that's the magic here of what you hold tightly versus what you don't. And and are you even really aware of why you hold something really tightly or not? And that, you know, the ability to let go is often comes from being able to find perspective in something. I thought that this like, and we you know, we've spent time working with elite athletes, and and and often the the the chasing of the goal, like, the chasing of the dream of, like, winning the medal and holding that really, really tightly, and almost a, you know, whatever it takes to win kind of mentality just incurs a huge amount of cost. And so being able to find a different perspective, be able to see more than just that one endeavor and be able to let go of some stuff actually gives you the exact thing that you were trying to go after in the 1st place. It almost feels paradoxical in nature. Like, if I let go of some stuff, I'm actually more likely to get the thing that I want.
James Glover [00:24:05]:
But how did that how did that show up for you in your kind of transition for, yeah, just not from a research perspective? You were talking about, like, there was a specific focus and then it kinda broadened to the messy wonderfulness of humanity, but then also going from a well, I'm in a research sense here, and now I'm going into applied context too. Like, how have you noticed that that kind of ability to be able to see more and see beyond just kind of delivery of outcomes as as helping people live more, you know, kind of fulfilled and satisfied lives?
Arabella Ashfield [00:24:37]:
I think I think there's an element of being open to that. If you can sit with where somebody is kind of just either battling with that or hasn't even thought about it, And you're kind of in a in a place to be the person who can have some perspective or can challenge. I think for me, I always felt like I wanted to bring a bit of in a way, some mediation so you could bring together 2 people's differing views and see some common ground, but also then to say, you know, to offer up alternatives, to offer up different perspectives. And I think that's valuable because it challenges other people to do that. And that's where you probably that's where you get some growth from if you do think differently. Yeah. I think it's important to do that, but I think it's, yeah, it's a challenging one at times.
James Glover [00:25:42]:
Yeah. For sure. Where do you where do you do that for you? How does that happen for you? How do you continue to kind of, like, challenge that kind of perception and that worldview and be able to see more?
Arabella Ashfield [00:25:54]:
I mean, I get there's a couple of things, I think. I I still work in elite sport, and I still my role is to kind of question some of that, is to provide some critical thinking. So I can still take some of the academic world and and really go, how is this gonna work in an applied sense? Like, is is this realistic? Is that what's the context behind that? What's the understanding? I think working with different people and and people who are so as you will know, I worked at British Cycling for a good number of years, and and you're working with really driven, outcome focused people. And sometimes then it can also just be to sort of put pause on some stuff initially and just sort of say, well, how else might that be considered or thought about? And I think you've got to be trusted to do that. But then also, I think who you surround yourself with is really important, isn't it? Like, my husband is great at at doing that. He will you know, we're we're both able to have really good discussion about stuff and provide alternative perspectives. And I I will joke with him that he likes to throw in a sort of social hand grenade every now and again. It's like, oh, you know, so just pull out the pin and lob that one over the fence and see how any of us react to something.
Arabella Ashfield [00:27:16]:
And it and it's done in jest, but it is a quite funny way of just sort of, you know, throwing out alternative perspectives and stuff, and I think that's really healthy as well. And I guess through my work with individuals, there might be things that people come from different perspectives. They come from different places, so they they have got different views to me. And that's fine because I'm not I'm not there to change that. I'm there to sit and say, well, what's your reality? Or what do you view as your reality, and what do you wanna do about it? So I think I still get a good amount of that challenge. But I but it's a good point, actually. So so, you know, do do you continue to find that challenge somewhere?
James Glover [00:27:58]:
Yeah.
Arabella Ashfield [00:27:58]:
That's an interesting point. I just I would just have to arrange another chat.
James Glover [00:28:04]:
Because I well, I'm hearing you describe 3 different things, actually. 1 is, one is, like, in the nature of the practitioner that you are, so that kind of wrestle between academic insight and applied reality, and that that continually helping you find a a kind of a perspective. Because as as one advances, so does the other and the kind of the interconnection between the 2 and you being in the middle of that, I guess, provides provocation. The second, you just talked about the people that you, that you surround yourself with. So there's something about the wonderful the wonderfully the wonderful willingness of your husband just to go lob, have that. Alright. Cool. Let's see how those pieces fall back down together again.
James Glover [00:28:47]:
But and and but actually, I'd be like being will it be willing to to kind of take that on in the way that it's intended, which is, you know, am I locked into a a different a particular perspective? And then the third bit I heard you talk about there was the kind of the work that you're that you're doing and the reaction and interaction with those that are in front of you on a day to day basis. And this it's the second time you've kind of referred to this, being in a space without judgment. Like, not it's not about judgment about right or wrong, or it's about actually being able to say, alright. Is there something else that we're not seeing? Or, actually, how might something else be true for you? And you being able to hold yourself in that in that space of nonjudgment actually allows you to be able to see more too. And let's just kinda touch on that for for a moment. Like, in order to be able how do you create a space within yourself that means you can stay in a place of of of of compassion rather than judgment? Because that like, lots of people will be going, oh, yeah. Like, you know, not being judgmental, That's me all day. And then we'll take the mick out of somebody for, like, their haircut as they're literally walking down the street 2 seconds later.
James Glover [00:30:04]:
It requires something to be able to actually hold the tension and stay in that space.
Arabella Ashfield [00:30:09]:
Because it's not my job. In that moment, that is not my role. My role is in something entirely different. It's to hold space. It's to be quiet. It's to hear what I had some somebody say was, shameful to her. And I we we've all got opinion, like, as well. I I don't shy away from saying to opinion.
Arabella Ashfield [00:30:42]:
Like, well, we can we all have an opinion. That's that's fine. Because also people are coming with the opinion of others. Like, how much those rest on us, it can be very heavy. So we have to acknowledge that there is opinion because everyone will have one. We have, yeah, about the hairdo through to to something really, really profound. Like, you know, it's there. But in that and I will I will have that.
Arabella Ashfield [00:31:13]:
Of course I do. Yeah. But, it's not my job in that in that space at all. My job is to is to, yes, to hold the space. I was thinking about this and describing it to somebody the other day. It's also for the women that I work with, for a good few of them, it's to hold their strength. Because if they lose that, it's to hold it so they can re grasp it, because you can lose a lot of yourself and your qualities and your skills and actually what is your strength of character. And sometimes you have to get back to that, but I but I'm my role is to just allow that to kinda come about either to either by saying nothing or by asking some good questions.
James Glover [00:32:05]:
Or Yeah. So let's maybe let's, like, let's let's touch on that. Let's, like, create a bit of a shift here in terms of so there's this kind of been, this kind of journey with a couple of really intentional moments of, actually, there there are some pivots away from where I am right now into something new because, actually, that space or that environment feels like it's a place for me to go and explore or to learn or to be able to kind of add value in a different and more meaningful way. But you've recent like, fairly recently, it's not super recently, just got just take had another inflection point. I really love for you just to talk to us about the journey into the the that inflection point, what that is, and how that's really kind of creating a sense of purpose for you right now.
Arabella Ashfield [00:32:54]:
So I spent 10 years in elite sport supporting athletes, 8 years of British Cycling, 6 as a practitioner, and then about a year and a half. Yeah, 6 half and a year year and a half after that working with a little bit more aim to kinda look at the environment and work with some of the senior leaders to kinda try and enhance some of that experience because I cared very deeply about how people were experiencing their time there and experiencing it as a person, not as a rider. And I got to a point where I'd done that. I'd done the job for a long enough time, and it needed someone fresh and new. And I was kind of at a point of going, I've done what I can do. And, but also, I knew I felt very strongly that I had got good strengths, good qualities in around my ability to have those conversations and with my coaching. And because I had had quite a rough journey of maternity leave, I, a couple of years when I'd started out with my ascending motherhood journey, I spoke to the CEO of, mental health Maternal Mental Health Alliance. And, she was describing different types of postnatal depression.
Arabella Ashfield [00:34:22]:
And she said that we also believe there's this kind of element of high functioning, and that's I and I was like, I think that was me. I think I was the person, like, yeah. It's get going. Do stuff. But also had really low mood. And I thought through this, I was like, why am I not? I'm not a biz I'm not a business coach person. It's not where I come from. It's not what I'm particularly interested in.
Arabella Ashfield [00:34:47]:
But, actually, there's a lot of people that could just do with somebody to listen to. And in my maternity leave, I remember going to the health center with with my child and, speaking to the the center manager. And she said, I don't think you're depressed. I don't think you are struggling that. I think you're just really used to having been in this really fast paced job. And she was great, and she just sat there and listened to how I was. And she's you've just come from being in this place of just absolute rapid fire to being at home with this small bundle of keep you know, just doing my best to keep it alive. And that's how I felt.
Arabella Ashfield [00:35:34]:
I I just felt felt very much I could I just nothing more than I just have to keep this thing alive. And that was really disconcerting. And, like, having gone through that year, I was just like, these are the people that need some support because they're not necessarily don't have, you know, clinical diagnosis or anything like that, but they just need a bit of help and a bit of support. So that's where it came from. And I think those were probably those were probably pivotal moments as well actually along the way to kinda go, actually, this is what I care about that I know that I can do. That's where I need to spend my time. Yeah. Yeah.
Arabella Ashfield [00:36:15]:
For sure.
James Glover [00:36:16]:
And so what has that then enabled in you as soon as you started to become aware of the kind of the integration of I have knowledge, I have skill, and I have lived experience, and I kind of want to be able to bring that to to other people, what did that kind of then enable in you?
Arabella Ashfield [00:36:35]:
Gosh. You know, it's I feel like I should say, yes. That just led me to, you know, driving for I'm not that type of person. I will always doubt whether I've done something correctly or I've made a right decision. I will always be thinking about that. I will never get ahead of myself. And I just I'll always be thinking I'll come off I'll come away from this going, oh god. Did I say something that sounded a bit you know? But I just thought, no.
Arabella Ashfield [00:37:05]:
That is it's the right thing to do, and it's what I want to do, and it's it's something different. And it's it is a bit of a it's different. It's going away from where I've been. It's going away from where I've kind of had some quite solid grounding in. But, actually, it does make you go, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is what I'm choosing to do because this is actually what is important to me. And I have a lot of that conversation still. Like, it it doesn't matter, that stuff, because I'm I'm in a different I'm doing something different now, and that's that's fine.
Arabella Ashfield [00:37:43]:
And just being a lot more content with that, And I'm not I'm not scrabbling for something else. I do have a Post it that says, I can see it here, comparison is the thief of joy. Because I just had to have a word with myself earlier this year. I was just like, you can't. You just can't. You just just remember that because it's it's silly. It's just insane. You can get yourself into a right old trap about it.
James Glover [00:38:07]:
Yeah. Where where where does comparison happen for you? Because I think lots of people can relate to this idea of, you know, how do I get ahead of myself? Because that feels really difficult. And and, you know, it's a really powerful quote is comparison being the thief of joy. So how is that showing up for you? Where where were the comparisons playing out?
Arabella Ashfield [00:38:23]:
Oh, I think LinkedIn's a great one, isn't it? You know, so is Facebook. It's all there. It's all there. It's just where you choose to be in it. Yeah. You yeah. I can I could quite happily go and make myself miserable in in, you know, in the space of about 20 minutes, I'm sure, if I kinda look hard enough at at what people are doing because it's their best life, and we all know that?
James Glover [00:38:46]:
Yeah.
Arabella Ashfield [00:38:46]:
So you just have to make a choice about is this sensible or not? And and, no, it's not. I've got better things to be doing. I I I've got better people to be around. I think as well, when I was thinking about what we might be talking about, and I feel like humor is a really important part in this to separate some of it, like, to separate this really, like, deep heavy stuff we're talking about to the absolute ridiculousness of of of some of those things, and life generally. Like, for me, I have to be able to find that humor, and I think, like, if you can I have to ground myself in going do we all can we all just recognize this is utterly ridiculous? And and that kind of just do you know what I mean? Like, it just brings you down. Like, I think it brings you to a normal grounding. And I think I've I've decided as well over the last, I have you know, few years as well. There are good people that you want in that space for some of that.
Arabella Ashfield [00:39:51]:
So you need to know who are those people. And I have, you know, a couple of people who, I get voice notes from, telling me something that's happened, and it's really funny. And I love that. And it's so important that you have somebody who just goes you know, can just be an absolute leveler for you. So, yeah, that's I've I've kinda come round to something else there, but I think the the stopping the comparison bit is done by humor. It's done by honesty, and it's done by cutting through the BS, isn't it? It's got to be because and I think my point is that parenting is an absolute leveler for that. Do you know? Like, when when you've found, you know, yogurt stuck to your skirting boards and you're wiping it off for the 5th time in a fortnight, like, that that is just life. And you have to just think, good god.
Arabella Ashfield [00:40:56]:
What am I doing?
James Glover [00:40:58]:
This was probably about a year probably about a year ago. Now bearing in mind, my children, my little girl's nearly 9, and my little boy is 5. About a year ago, we were we were planning on doing some work at our house, and we were kinda checking stuff out in the kitchen. We were like, what? Why is that? What's that stain on a on a ceiling? Where where's that come from? What is that? And we we realized that we'd given, we were we were using some cowpole and we put the cow we were drawing up some cowpole and we put it next to Ayla. So Ayla is now nearly 9. Right? We put it near her as we were drawing it up. She'd grabbed 1 and like poof. Just, you know, as kids do when they're dead little, she grabbed it and she bashed it against her high chair.
James Glover [00:41:42]:
And obviously, all the cowpole just shot up and some of it hit the ceiling. And the reason why it looked like a stain is because it had been there for half a decade.
Arabella Ashfield [00:41:51]:
That's great, isn't it? I love it. Yeah. I love it.
James Glover [00:41:54]:
And I think but to your point, you know, like, parenting can like, the thief of joy around parenting is comparison for sure. Like, how are my children behaving in in in comparison to other children? How are my children eating in comparison to others? How are my children sleeping in comparison to others? How am I parenting my children? How am I disciplining them? How am I educating them? How like the list can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on can't it in terms of comparison with others. And it almost loops right back to your original point which is we are all unique Therefore, they are all unique, and so it doesn't matter necessarily what I'm doing with my child comparison to what you're doing with your child because what you're doing with your child might not work with my child. So what's the point in the first half?
Arabella Ashfield [00:42:38]:
Yeah. And you might have some boundaries within that. Like, that's fine. But you but you're right because they're all so different. You are so different. The context is so different. But I also speak to so many women in that return to workspace, and I think that 1st year is when you get so much opinion and judgment. And one of, like, my resounding things is, like, it is your choice who you listen to and who you don't.
Arabella Ashfield [00:43:06]:
Be because you could just well, you're talking crap. I'm not even what are you on about? I'm not lit No. No. Thanks. Like, it is your choice and kind of some as soon as you say something, yeah, but you can chew it might annoy you 100%, and it might rattle you for a while, but, ultimately, whatever. Not gonna listen to that. But take the ones that you do. Like, that's fine too.
Arabella Ashfield [00:43:29]:
Like, yeah, I'm all for some free advice. If it's good, I'll give it a go. And if it doesn't work, fine. But I'm not gonna be the person that's kind of just, yeah, like, dismissing one or another. You you just you give it a whirl. We're all giving it a whirl. I think if if you can find some honesty amongst it all, and that's the best thing, isn't it? It's when you've got when you've got some good friends who will just absolutely call it how it is, then they're really useful. Like, you absolutely need those.
Arabella Ashfield [00:43:59]:
And
James Glover [00:44:00]:
How much do you find, like, the how much do you find the the, like, the honesty and the playfulness actually goes hand in hand, in the you know, when somebody's kind of calling out the reality of of actually what it feels like not to sleep for however many days relentlessly and, you know, kind of realizing that your pants that you're wearing have been the same pants for more days than you would actually like to count. There is there's there's a hilarity in the honesty, isn't there?
Arabella Ashfield [00:44:26]:
Oh, yeah. Oh, a 100%.
James Glover [00:44:29]:
Becomes the kind of leveler and just enables everybody to kinda move move forward.
Arabella Ashfield [00:44:33]:
Yeah. Like, and I think there's something about being really brave to be that person. Right? Because you're absolutely right. The comedy is what makes it normal and and the honesty sorry. The honesty is what makes that that and and it is comedy. It is really funny. Yeah. Like, I my my friend's saying to me, oh, isn't it funny when you become a parent? Like, you know, when pre child, you'd pick up a jumper and and sort of look at it and say, oh, you know, that needs to go through the wash.
Arabella Ashfield [00:45:02]:
Now you look at it, sort of dust it off your shoulder. Think, oh, it's got another day in it. Definitely. You know? And that those sorts of things. And you you have to hold on to those nuggets, sister. I had a voice I'll I'll tell her later. And I say, I had a voice note this morning, from one of my, mum friends. Don't know if that sounds a bit condescending.
Arabella Ashfield [00:45:23]:
She's a good friend. I respect her with her being a mum. There you go. And she said, she said, yeah. So she just just just opened up the voice. 9 seconds long. Hi. Nana's bought so and so, some jingle bells.
Arabella Ashfield [00:45:44]:
I think I now have tinnitus. And in the background, her kid then goes and you could hear it going, ding, ding, ding, and the kid goes, yeah. Just like comic timing. Like, it's brilliant. Like and you have to be able to share those moments with people because they're great. They're just great. And I think they they are at char like, being a parent is an absolute leveler. Like, when you've wiped enough bottoms and changed nappies and, like, you know, like, everyone has that level.
Arabella Ashfield [00:46:16]:
That's a level. Right? It's gotta be. And then you've gotta find the good people, the honest people, and give the humor because people need that. They need that when they are sleep deprived. They need it when their kid is kicking off in the middle of Morrisons. Like, just just yeah. You've gotta be that person. Absolutely.
James Glover [00:46:36]:
You know, this might sound, like, really random, but that's part of how my brain works is I've got the kind of the, the Harry Potter, the the kind of the, defense against the dark arts with the Boggart. And the Boggart takes on the form of your greatest fear. Do you know Harry Potter?
Arabella Ashfield [00:46:55]:
Yeah. I think I've seen this bit.
James Glover [00:46:57]:
And so it comes out comes out of the box, and it's your greatest fear. And the way in which you deal with your greatest fear is and the whole, the the kind of the, the enchantment for the kind of the spell is ridiculous. And you you basically turn whatever is your greatest fear into something that's totally comedy. So the spider comes out and you put roller skates on the spider, and then the spider can't stand up because it's just got 8 legs flinging all over the place. And, and this kind of what we're talking about here. Like, there's just a sense of, you know, comparison to some degree is how am I doing? How am I am I doing okay at this? Like, I'm trying to figure out where I'm at. Like, what what what you know, where am I in this in this process in terms of how how but we're looking to the wrong stuff. We're looking externally to us.
James Glover [00:47:42]:
And to some degree there's a fear of, am I good enough at this? This matters to me, it's important to me, and am I doing it right? And that, like, a, there is no right, and b, actually how do you turn that fear into something just a little bit more to your point a little less daunting or, damaging? It's to it's to kind of find the humanity in it, find the honesty in it, which actually is freaking hilarious most of the time.
Arabella Ashfield [00:48:11]:
Most of the time it is. And if you're not comfortable with that, like, if you're not that like, you can receive it, great. But if you're if if that kinda doesn't come naturally to you, I think the other thing is finding the joy in it. So kids are very entertaining, but they don't realize it. Right? Like, that's we'll we'll all know that. And as an example of this, this is still funny, but I think it's a real it's a just an absolute joyful moment. So at the school, my son and his friend at the school, they had the the ovens weren't working for a period of time. So they were having to lay on, like, a different spread every day.
Arabella Ashfield [00:48:53]:
And I don't even know how this happened. It was just funny. But they had, like, jam donuts. I mean, these jam donuts were like adult jam donuts. So, I mean, these, yeah, these kids must have been high as a kite by the end of them. But what was amazing was that my son came home and was like, we had we had this thing and it was sugar on it. And the you and he was like, it was it was big. You had it and you you bit it and it had jam inside.
Arabella Ashfield [00:49:27]:
And you were just like, he and his mate, you can imagine, can't you, them sitting at each other going, this is this is tasty. Oh my god. It's got jam in it. Just that look of it, like, the wonder of, like, this is incredible. That is the equivalent of getting an upgrade on a flight, isn't it? Like, mate, we have just got like, but for a 5 year old, they're like, it's got jam in it. And I just love that. I was like, that's just the cutest because it is the equivalent of us going, jeez. I've just found a tenner down the back of the sofa.
Arabella Ashfield [00:49:58]:
Or like, you know, mate, we've just got an upgrade. Like, I love that. And they are absolute joy moments, but they are but they are also funny. I think it's just so
James Glover [00:50:07]:
cute. Love it. Love it. So take us, take us a little bit kind of leap of faith time, Arabella. Like, how does this how does this journey to this point, so this kind of sense of focusing on what you love, but then acknowledging that there are some kind of spaces and some gaps that actually you find interesting and curious and kind of moving into places where you can understand more. But then from understanding more, wanting to apply more, and then getting to another step of kind of experience where you're like, you know what? I've got some skills and some kind of, insight into something that feels even more meaningful than where I was before because it's kind of been lived by me personally in a different way. And there's still gap here. There are some there's some opportunities to be able to help and make a difference.
James Glover [00:50:52]:
And so you've kind of focused in on this this new venture and being able to support, support moms in that space. What next? Like, what, where do you where do you feel this kind of inner sense of purpose is is carrying you forward into the unknown?
Arabella Ashfield [00:51:08]:
I mean, I love what I do. I don't I don't regret that for a moment. Maybe there'll be a time when I don't want to do that bit of it, but the doing bit of it is is the conversation and with people and being with them for that. But, ultimately, well, it's actually quite a small amount of time, but it's over the course of maybe 6 months or so, and and it's an absolute delight to do that. At the moment, that's an absolute pleasure. It's a pleasure. It's a privilege, and it's incredibly rewarding. I mean, that sounds a bit me me me, doesn't it? I always think that's a bit interesting, but I think it's, it's just it's just the right thing to do as well.
Arabella Ashfield [00:52:01]:
It's the right thing to do. And I think when I have thought about purpose over the last few years, for me, it's leaving the world in a better place, but it's also leaving it better than how you found it. So that process is is being, yeah, with those with those women to have those conversations. And it's not all doom and gloom. Like, not every you know, it's it's about how do they enhance themselves as well as much as it is, you know, this is hard work or whatever. It's it's it's also about, actually, how do I be better at this? How do I do this? And, that's a really cool place to be. So I think for me at the moment, it's it's quite doing what I'm doing. I love doing the other stuff around it.
Arabella Ashfield [00:52:54]:
Like, I love the kind of business development stuff as well. Like, that's really interesting. It's learning. It's new. But I think yeah. I don't know. I'm not it's just sometimes I hear from people like, oh, I'm I'm happy to continue doing this until I retire. And I'm just a bit like, oh, gosh.
Arabella Ashfield [00:53:14]:
Yeah. I'll do something else. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what that would be.
James Glover [00:53:19]:
And I love that that kind of aspect of, so I was, somebody shared a video with me. A colleague of mine shared a video with me where they talked about, the difference between a life lived trying to achieve a destination and a life lived by just being in the dance as they described it. And one of the things they said was, you know, you're not you're not trying to, you know, there's a reason why they call it playing the piano. Right? You're not trying to you're not trying to achieve the end of the particular piece of sheet music. You know, the, or orchestras don't come together and, you know, operas aren't written or whatever kind of music isn't composed for you just to get to the end. It's being in the experience of generating the music. It's being in the dance where the kind of the the the real richness of of human experience exists. And that really spoke to me in that, it doesn't matter what you do.
James Glover [00:54:20]:
You know? And how you do what you do will just organically grow, shift, and change over time because your experiences will grow, shift, and change over time. But understanding why you do it, that can be something that can really enable you to stay in the dance and not chase the outcome. Like, the fact that it's about curiosity and learning, the fact that it's about people, I know all of these things that have just kind of been central in the journey that you've had to this point in time. So who knows what comes next? As long as those things sit within it to some degree, you're gonna be in the dance.
Arabella Ashfield [00:54:52]:
Yeah. And it's a really it's a lovely way of thinking about that, isn't it? It's a really nice metaphor to to think of. And but I think it's also really easy sometimes to think that, you know, there'll be a lot of people out there that kinda go, god, they've got it sorted or they're just so in the moment, they're fine. And it's it's kind of like alright to be like to go sometimes I'm not I'm not great at doing that. I'm not great at being in the moment with it. I'm not great at playing the music. And sometimes, you know, we've all you know, we've we've got a re you need you need to keep a roof over your head. You know, you do need to pay the bills to some extent.
Arabella Ashfield [00:55:34]:
So there's always a degree of constraints as well as and and kind of moving within those constraints, but we do have choices. So how do we do that? And I wouldn't want anyone to think, oh, well because that's the comparison bit then, isn't it? Oh, well, they've got it all sorted. They must be fine. Look. They keep telling me to live in the moment. And you're like, oh god. You know, you kind of just it there's a there's a chance to go down that route, and I think it's really important to kind of sometimes you stop and, like, appreciating for what you've got. You know, you don't what's the what's the phrase? It's like, oh, it skates me properly now, but want what you have, not have what you want.
Arabella Ashfield [00:56:20]:
That's another way of coming back to, like, actually, what I've got is fine. And it's not it's not the best. It's not the worst. It's but, actually, if I can sit with that, then it's fine. And that is still in the moment a bit. It is still about the journey, but it's actually kinda going, sure. This is okay. This is alright, and I'm happy with alright.
Arabella Ashfield [00:56:41]:
I don't need that or whatever it is, and and I enjoy doing this bit. But I do I do have to say that sometimes to myself. Just yeah. Actually, this is this is fine. This is all good. I get to have great conversations, meet people, and I can choose who not to speak to as well. You know? Like, we have that choice sometimes. And if you don't, then question it.
Arabella Ashfield [00:57:03]:
Right? Like, that's when you question, no. No. This is not good for me. I'm leaving or jumping ship or whatever it is. So yeah. But I think I I agree with you. It's a playing, but it's it's it's a nice place to be.
James Glover [00:57:17]:
But yeah. For sure. And it's part of just kind of lowering the threshold of resistance to life, isn't it? Like, the, the point that you're making there about, finding the finding the compassion in the it's it's okay. It's okay. And, and connecting back with choice. Like, what is the choice that I'm making here or what are the choices that I feel are in front of me to be able to make here? I think that's the that's where the real agency comes in in our experiences is are we acknowledging the choices that we're making? Because actually more of the time than not, we have choice even when it doesn't feel like we do. So can we see and own the choices that that may be in front of us that can help us stay in the dance to some degree or move down the road if that feels if that feels appropriate?
Arabella Ashfield [00:58:05]:
Yeah. Seeing seeing your choice is an interesting one, isn't it? How how how able are you to do that? That's really tricky. Sometimes people can't and need some help to do that for sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Because if you can't see it, then you haven't got the full range to know what action to take.
James Glover [00:58:27]:
Yeah. For sure. Right. I think we're gonna pause here because there's just something about people being able to see choices that feel like a really important, like, call to action to kinda just sit with. So ladies and ladies and gents, when you think about being in the dance or being on the journey, what are the some of the choices that have enabled you to be where you are? And maybe what are some of the choices that you're not seeing that could be there? But either way, do it with compassion and not with comparison. Thank you, Arabella, for being with us today. Like, awesome conversation. Massively enjoyed it.
James Glover [00:58:59]:
Thank you.
Arabella Ashfield [00:59:00]:
Thank you very much. It's been an absolute pleasure and, yeah, an absolute joy to kind of just share the the bonkers ride that is and the messiness, the messy ride that is live. So thank you so much.
James Glover [00:59:11]:
You are welcome. All about the messiness.
Arabella Ashfield [00:59:14]:
All about it.
James Glover [00:59:17]:
Massive thank you for taking the time to listen to the excitable soul podcast. If you are interested in uncovering, understanding, and unleashing your sense of purpose, come and explore our purpose immersion programs at the excitablesoul.com. We look forward to hearing from you there or being with you on our next episode. Have an incredible day.