Episode #17: Rob Hosking
Rising Above: the Courage to Rethink Your Life Path
This episode brings you the incredible and inspiring story of Rob Hosking, a TEDx motivational speaker and former police officer with a profound narrative that is bound to leave a lasting impact on all of us.
In today's conversation, Rob delves deep into his past, starting with a pivotal moment at age 11 that would set the tone for his life's trajectory.
We explore the lessons learned from tough love, the drive to continually seek approval, and the heavy weight of expectations. From the influences of a family rooted in military and police service to a heart-wrenching rock bottom moment saved by the unwavering loyalty of a dog, Rob's experiences are a testament to the power of reflection. They highlight the courage it takes to align life with core values, even amidst the toughest challenges.
Rob's journey is not just about personal struggles but also about triumph, finding self-worth from within, and learning to be the driver of your own fate. It is a story of transformation from living a life defined by others to discovering true happiness in the present.
Sit tight as we delve into the importance of self-awareness, the courage to face life's battles, and the realisation that self-worth should never be tied to external validation. Let’s get ready to embrace the wisdom of saying 'no,' the power of asking the right questions, and the freedom that comes with living an aligned life.
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Read the transcript here
James Glover [00:00:09]:
Alrighty. Welcome to the excitable soul podcast. Here, we are interested in all things purpose. We want to know where and how people find meaning and connection in their lives. In every episode, we're gonna be hearing the real life stories of how people have uncovered, understood, and unleashed their own unique sense of purpose. Our hope is that we can all learn from the stories and the journeys of our guests so that we can better find the sense of purpose in our own lives. I'm host James Glover, performance coach and purpose nerd. I'm incredibly excited to be exploring these stories with you.
James Glover [00:00:44]:
So let's get going, shall we? Today's guest is Rob Hosking. Rob is a TEDx motivational speaker, former police officer, and mental health advocate. He is known for his inspiring journey from adversity to happiness. Through fearless talks, he shares his experiences with mental health challenges and trauma. As cofounder of Rise of Happiness, Rob promotes well-being through uplifting stories and expert insights. Rob is dedicated to empowering others to lead happier lives, offering practical insights with his 7 Steps to Happiness Guide. This conversation felt like a beacon of hope, reminding us all of the importance of self care and meaningful change. I hope that you enjoy it.
James Glover [00:01:29]:
Alrighty. Rob, welcome to the Excitable Soul podcast. Wonderful to have you here. You and I met a few weeks ago, kind of a chance meeting while we were both, being put through the blender at the same speaking experience. It was a phenomenal event that disrupt HR, and we kind of realized there was there was a bigger conversation to be had. So, we're getting into it and wanting to share it.
Rob Hosking [00:01:52]:
Yes. Thank you so much. And, yeah, it was great to meet you then, and it's great to meet you now again after these few weeks. So I can look forward to chatting more.
James Glover [00:02:00]:
Brilliant. Brilliant. Well, those that are, regular listeners to the excitable soul and those that are joining us for the first time, where we always kind of try to create a bit of a similar structure when we're exploring this kind of world and concept of of purpose, which is really getting people to tell stories of how they uncovered, and discovered a sense of purpose. Where does meaning and connection really come from for them? Once they've kind of discovered it, how do they really understand it and make sense of it in their lives on a day to day? And then where are they using it? Where are they applying it? Where are they unleashing it in the in the real world? And we like to ask some big questions straight off the bat, like, you know, what are some of the experiences that have really shaped who you are in the world? So let's start with that one.
Rob Hosking [00:02:45]:
Yeah. It's a it's a big question, isn't it? And I think when I look back in my life, there's, obviously, so many experiences that stand out, but the few that stand out in particular would be as follows, and I'll start from the earliest memory. And the earliest memory is when I was 11 years old. It was when I did the 11 plus in p 7, and it was the results day. I remember, like, it was yesterday. I remember my dad coming in, so he my dad would like to chase the postie. So he would and so he would drive around looking for where the post person was and, finally get him and then say, you got a letter for this place, and then bring it back. He was all excited, and there's there's an expectation that I was getting an a.
Rob Hosking [00:03:30]:
I was an a student, fright. I was intelligent at that time. I was like, think it's so intelligent, but
James Glover [00:03:38]:
I was gonna say, talk to me yourself, my man. It's like Yeah.
Rob Hosking [00:03:43]:
You know, like, it was to the point where I was actually tutoring my best friend mathematics rather than actually focusing on maybe developing myself even more. And I remember the results today, my dad came into the room, opened the letter, and it was a b 2. My this the grading at that time was a, b 1, b 2. I call it b 2. And my dad just tore shreds for me, but he was so disappointed. I mean, I look. I was disappointed myself because I was like, right. I should've gotten it.
Rob Hosking [00:04:13]:
At 11 years old, for me anyway, I didn't really have that the knowledge of how to get over the difficult times, how to get over failure. I never experienced failure at that age, at that time, But this was my first experience of failure, and it was gonna work in both in 2 ways. Either my first experience of failure was me getting used to failure, or it was going to get me used to never having that feeling again. And my dad, he knows and knew how to make sure that I didn't I'd have that feeling ever again. You know, he got under my skin by being very disappointed in me. You know? And, yes, he was angry, but, you know, my mom's completely different. She put my her arm over. She'll say, it's okay.
Rob Hosking [00:05:03]:
But I need that tough love, so to speak. And I know that's why I need them. My dad gives me that tough love, maybe too much sometimes. But at that point, at 11 usual, when my first experience of a failure happened, I think that stuck in my mind even now when I'm 31, so many years later. This idea of how I respond to failure. Because at 11 years old, I knew right then, not just because my dad's reaction, but he fueled something in me, feel the fire in me to make sure that I never felt that way ever again because I felt like I let myself down. Yes. I let family down, so to speak, but I let myself down first.
Rob Hosking [00:05:47]:
Number 1, I let myself down because that could've dictated what school I was going to go to, whether it was a grammar school or high school. And I thankfully, my headmaster wrote a letter of recommendation to the good schools and said, you know, he should have gotten a, he's an a student. And I got into the school I wanted to get into. But my dad was like, even when I got into the good school, he said, you know, you may have got lucky here because that may not have happened, because at the end of the day, you've got me too. And, yes, you've done the good work for the years to make sure that the headmaster said, no. You're an Asian, but you got me too. And he just said to me, like, there's people here, so there's the friends that I tutored. That friend also got a b 2.
Rob Hosking [00:06:31]:
I think that's what I know my dad even more. He said, you're tutoring him. You brought him up into the level of, you know, a higher level, but then I brought you down because you weren't focusing on yourself. And he said to me, just remember this, there's people out there, there's family out there that are saying, why did Rob go to this school? He got B2. My my child got B2, and he's not allowed to go to that school. Why is he allowed? He says, prove them wrong. Prove them all wrong that you deserve to be there. And this idea of this phrase proves them wrong has stuck with me ever since.
Rob Hosking [00:07:05]:
Like, I don't live my life to prove everybody wrong, it's just that it's that inner fuel to be like it's always that drive of there's gonna be enough people out there in your life who will want to see you feel. People not believe that you're good enough or worthy enough of whatever you do in your life. And that fuels me and that inside, like, for someone wrong that I am worthy, that I will find my purpose, my meaning, and I will get wherever I want to go in my life because of hard work, because I deserve to be there in any favors.
James Glover [00:07:37]:
So much so much to unpack in that experience. So I guess there are 2 things that are really, kind of landing with me in this moment. 1, the kind of the dynamic between you and and your kind of your parents and you saying, like, my dad understood me and understood kind of how to how to drive. But that also kind of coupled with a, like, a just a kind of safe support, you know, from from your mom. So there's like this the the the kind of the the the twin tension between those between those two things, like responding to a kind of a provocation, but knowing that there was kind of safety too. So there's one thing then. And then the second thing is that, this idea that this particular moment still feels really real to you after 20 years. And it was that sense of, well, there is expectation around this.
James Glover [00:08:32]:
I have it. My family has it. And I didn't meet it. And I didn't meet it for a variety of reasons, but holy, I don't ever want to feel that ever again. And then then this kind of sense of external visibility. Like, he's done this and he's gone there, but should he have? Or what other people think? And I'm wondering, you know, if over the course of, like, 20 years now, the power of of kind of hindsight in your reflections, where this moment has served you well, but also where it's kind of created patterns of behavior that may be a bit a bit more tricky and difficult.
Rob Hosking [00:09:15]:
Yeah. It served me well because it's the main lesson it's taught me is no matter what I do in my life, I need to always say that at least I've given my best shot. And, you know, going forward, all the exams and everything I've done in my life, ever since then my dad always said, as long as you give it your best shot. And the best shot isn't that, well, on that day I give it my best shot, it's, well, what part is your preparation, you know, from March 4 and stuff? And he always said, just give your best. That's all you can do. And I knew looking back. And then, plus, I I also didn't give my best. I was too busy tutoring somebody else.
Rob Hosking [00:09:48]:
I was too busy playing football. I wasn't I actually didn't have the discipline. I didn't feel like I needed the discipline because I thought, I'm an A student, I know I'll I'll pass it. So it's it's served me well because I've always had that inner drive now to be like, Robert Heaver, prepare feel to prepare and prepare to feel. This idea of you have to prepare for things in your life. You can't just walk in it. Everything's gonna be difficult, So how difficult do you wanna make it? And always give it your best job. So that's really has served me well in that way.
Rob Hosking [00:10:21]:
In terms of negatively, sometimes this idea of maybe doing stuff for someone else's, you know, so make sure they're happy with it. You know, there's maybe decisions I've made in my life because I think my dad would be proud of that. And when I look back, I think, no. Have I still got that trauma of he was so disappointed? And I you know, my best friends and my dad that I never want to disappoint him. And it's not naive, and at 31 years old and years before, has that driven me to do things in my life where I've maybe not wanted to do, but I always had I didn't wanna disappoint her again. I didn't want that reaction that I got that day because I remember I was in tears. I was I was in tears to my mom saying stop showing that up. But he knew how to get under my skin, and he knew how to drive me.
Rob Hosking [00:11:13]:
And my mom knew it's the complete opposite. I think it's important to have both. It is important to have that dynamic, which you can. Someone can give you a pretty arms or an put your arms or your shoulder, and someone can maybe give you that light that fire in you. And I did have that dynamic. Like, that fire that he set in me has probably led to me being a little bit more biased towards getting his approval rather than maybe necessarily mom's. Because I think no matter what I do, my mom would be happy. She's like, that's brilliant.
Rob Hosking [00:11:47]:
But with him, it's maybe like that drive of, well, will he think this is good, or is he proud of me for this? So it's been a blessing and a curse in in a certain way too, but I definitely feel like overall it's been a blessing because it's made made that drive to succeed in what I want to do. And, you know, a perfect example was my first proper time when I could show people that I actually belonged to grammar school was my GCSEs. That was the big the next big exams, and my dad never let let me forget about that 11 plus. He says, just remember, the 11 plus, he said, this is your chance. And I did 11 GCSEs, so I did one then normal normally, people would do we used to do 10, but I did 11, and I got 8 a's and 3 b's. So it was my first time that I was like, I smashed it. I was like, yes. I did it.
Rob Hosking [00:12:39]:
And, yeah, I think it just you know, that all came from my inner drive, and he did know how to drive me to become what I knew I I knew I was capable of. And you always need that in your life. I feel like you need someone who believes in your ability, even almost more than you believe in your ability. Sometimes he's like, I know what you're capable of, and that's what he always says when I said that to him about the Lambda. He says, I knew what you were capable of, and that's why I was so disappointed. And then that's made me think, I am capable of things, so I should be disappointed if I don't meet them.
James Glover [00:13:14]:
Yeah. And there's, something really wonderful in this that I think is really important for for people listening is, you know, taking almost being able to take the judgment out of the good versus the bad and and actually be able to see the kind of the the significance of the insight, which is, yeah, this idea of I have to take a bit of responsibility for doing my best. And if I don't, then there's a consequence to that. There's a consequence to that for me, but there's a consequence to that for others. And, you know, the the kind of the outcome of this, you know, the thing that your dad was really drawing you towards is, did you do your best? No. You didn't. And look at what happened. Don't let that happen again.
James Glover [00:13:54]:
And you going, Oh, yeah. Turns out, actually, I can't be complacent about these things. I actually need to put some effort in if I wanna get the things that I want to get to. I'm lucky that that happened at 11, right, rather than it being your GCSEs when you were 16 and and being able to hold on to that. But at the same at the same time, being able to see the deeper meaning, which is the kind of the the the love and connection to your parents and this idea of kind of pride. I want to I want to make my dad proud. You know, is that the kind of the level? And knowing that that's a superpower, absolute superpower. But also when it's kind of overplayed, then there is just this concern of meeting the expectation of others and not being able to think about just doing your best because, actually, your best is governed by the reaction of somebody else.
James Glover [00:14:43]:
And being able to see and understand that is is massive, isn't it? Because it then gives you even more choice about where you place your effort and what are the things that you're putting your effort into.
Rob Hosking [00:14:56]:
Yeah. That's it. And, you know, throughout my life, if you've almost summed it up perfectly where throughout my life, I happily put effort into certain things in my life because I thought, this will make him pride pride. He will be like, this is brilliant. And sometimes I do put that energy into certain things because I think he will view that as good, and I think that's where it comes on to my next lesson in my life. And that's when I, you know, I joined the police force at age 22 years old in 2015. And, yeah, I I didn't wanna join the police, You know, it wasn't for me. When I look at what the police actually is and what I am as a person, you know, 2 things that police bring it doesn't bring is spontaneity and freedom, where you're able to do what you want me.
Rob Hosking [00:15:41]:
They're they're the 2 one of my 2 core values with, you know, these things. And I was like, no. I didn't know that at the time. At 23 years old, I didn't say, like, all of my core values might combine. I knew who I was as a person, but I didn't sit down and be like, what do I actually need in my life to fulfill me? And I ended up joining the police, mainly because this idea of, well, to respect professionalism that people would be like, wow. You're in the police. And I remember even when I was at my dad, I'm thinking of applying because my brother was applying at the same time. So I already had that reaction from when my brother was applying that he was like, well, this is brilliant.
Rob Hosking [00:16:19]:
And the fact that also my family, we were police or military. You know, like, he had a military background, my family had police background, military, whatever it may have been. There was military and police, that was the structure. So I knew that that idea of success was there, this idea of my dad's employee would fall down successful, this idea of happiness was in this boy career, this way of life. And I followed it again, and this is where that 11 plus lesson was negative because I followed something which probably wasn't for myself, followed it for other people, other people's ideas of this is gonna be brilliant. This wow, you're in the place. This is amazing. And I followed it.
Rob Hosking [00:17:03]:
And the 5 years I was in the place, it led to a deep, dark place that I was in where my mental health suffered dramatically within those 5 years. But no wonder when I wasn't living an aligned life. And that was a time in my life where I have lived for other people, and I was deeply unhappy. And, you know, in the place, I'd just bring my dad and say, oh, okay. I'm so so unhappy in the place, and then I don't like it. And he he always said, oh, what else are you gonna do in your life? What else are you gonna do in your life? There's so much you could do in your life. But he pigeonholed me into thinking, institutionalized into thinking, this is me for 30 years because I'll get my pension. So I was surrounded by all these people who were thinking, you just have to suffer.
Rob Hosking [00:18:02]:
But I've eventually learned that when you actually follow your purpose in life, when you actually follow your meaning, suffer is the wrong word. Yes. It's gonna be hard work, but suffering is not gonna take place. And I realized, you know, in the police, I'm suffering until there's a couple of times couple of incidents which has changed my life looking back. And the first one was in July 2018 when I was so deeply unhappy in my life. I was I hit rock bottom. I felt trapped in the job I hated, stuck in a life that just made me so unhappy that didn't fill me up, didn't light me up, didn't make me happy. I couldn't see where I when I was getting responses like, well, what else you wanna do? I felt drafted.
Rob Hosking [00:18:49]:
I was like, wait. Wait. Wait. Maybe there isn't anything else I could do in my life. And it led to me, guess it, freaking very unhappy. We're meant to have the 2 to the point where I just thought, that's it. I can't I can't go on. I can't live any longer in this life.
Rob Hosking [00:19:05]:
And I just hated life. And I just come back and realize it wasn't that I hated life, it was just I hated my life of how it looked. But at that time, when you didn't see a future, you just think I hate life. I hate life. And it got to a point where on a day in July 2018, I made plans to achieve my own life, and that was that was the only way out for me. And it's sad thinking about it now, and I think quite what she and I felt like that was the only way I because I felt so trapped. And I was fortunate on that day. I made all the plans, what I was gonna do.
Rob Hosking [00:19:38]:
On that day, I was saved by my dog because I looked down and Louie looked he looked up at me and he gave me a lick. And it was that split second where he told me that love and attention that I just needed in that split second. He gave me that idea that, you know, Someone needs me. And, Louis, it was my life that I took him everywhere. We did everything together, and he showed me in that moment all over me. I you know, he's gonna look after me. He's gonna give me the love that you give me. And it's it just saved my life, and it didn't go through with what I was going to do.
Rob Hosking [00:20:12]:
And, you know, I look back on it. I I still get emotional thinking about it and talking about it because I think, oh, what should you live? I was in that point in my life where I couldn't see a way. I didn't have a purpose in my life. I didn't have any meaning in my life that I wanted to end it, and I was fortunate enough that I didn't. But, you know, I was in the police for a couple more years after that. And although I didn't hit rock bottom again, I would describe myself as functioning depressive. It was just I was living that same life. I would pee.
Rob Hosking [00:20:42]:
I would sleep on my days off, sleep when I'm not working. I didn't go to work and wear a mask and be happy and smiley, make everybody else laugh. And it came to play on my last ever shift, and this was the biggest turning point in my life. On my last ever shift, I witnessed a young male take his own life, and I watched as he took his last breaths in this world, and I couldn't get to him the way he was. I couldn't get to him, so I just had to watch. And it's a very difficult thing to do, knowing that he can't help and just seeing the last breaths in this young male. And it just reminded me of the place that I was in too. I was like, this could be me.
Rob Hosking [00:21:21]:
Like, it was it just hit me hard and not that that was bad enough. 5 hours later, my colleague had a heart attack on shift and died. And I was yet again standing over him as paramedics were giving him CPR, And I was like, I can't help. You know, I'm unable to help, and I'm I'm not I'm unable to save him. And I just thought to myself, after that shift, so many things were going from ahead about happiness, living through other people's eyes, and living a life that other people loved the idea of. And I was like, wait a minute, I'm the one who has to do this stuff. You many people might be like, this is great, you're in the police. I'm the one who has to do that.
Rob Hosking [00:21:59]:
I know the realities of policing and this trauma that comes with it. And my colleague had 29 year service, 1 year left of full retirement, and it was the conversations with him that always sparked me to change because the conversations with him were, like, what he was gonna do in the future is he's looking forward to retirement. He's going to do some traveling with his wife and all these things. And he thought after that, like, wait a minute. He was putting happiness or living a life into the future, but happiness is in the present. Our purpose, our meaning, and for life, in your present. I'll I'll do this in 5 years, 10 years, whatever it may be. And it actually so yet again, my body, my mental health deteriorated, my body actually told me to stop because it manifests itself in a physical injury.
Rob Hosking [00:22:49]:
My knee because I tore my ACL, But I didn't tear my ACL because I tripped and fell or a sporting accident or whatever. My mind tore my ACL on that last shift to make me stop because it was like, I need to stop because you'll just keep going. And for the next 5 months, I was off work because I could barely walk. And it was those 5 months, that's when I started reflecting about life, started reflecting about happiness, what meaning I wanted in my life, who I wanted to be. And, you know, I looked in the mirror of myself and the person looked at me back at me, I didn't even recognize. I say, here's this. Who have I become? I've truly changed. And that's when I yet again realize this idea back to the level also of I'm living a life that other people deemed successful, deemed happy, whatever may be for them.
Rob Hosking [00:23:40]:
But I'm just living through other people's lenses when, in fact, my life is for me.
James Glover [00:23:47]:
You know, the I mean, firstly, thank you. I and I kind of just sat here feeling a little bit of overwhelming, just being another human, witnessing what you witnessed in, in those moments with those 2 other people and the kind of almost the profound irony of you're seeing a young person go through an experience that you almost wanted for yourself, but actually were able to acknowledge that that wasn't really the choice or the outcome. But I can only imagine I can only imagine how that continues to live with you and the kind of the power of the courageous choices that you've made to be who you are now. And, I really wanna come in to come around to the story of what it looks what it feels like to look in the mirror today versus then. But there's just something really important for us to to to pause on here, which is this idea of being stuck and this question of, well, what are you going to do? I You and I both know just the experiences that we have in working with other people. The first question that people ask themselves when they are stuck is, well, what else can I do? And it's the wrong set of questions. It's entirely the wrong set of questions. When, you know, when your mind blows out your ACL and you have 5 months to reflect, the questions that you actually start to ask in that moment was who am I? When I look in the mirror, what do I see? What do I want to see? Not what am I gonna do? And often when our life and the experience of our life is based on what are we doing and what we have and what other people think, we're missing the really critical conversation with ourselves, which is how strong is the relationship between what's happening in me and what's happening around me, and what's the relationship I want to have with the world? That the power in that is it's completely down to me.
James Glover [00:25:57]:
I can shape that. I can understand that. I can decide where and how I and, what I put meaning into and therefore where I focus and channel my energy That to your point earlier on, you can do anything. The the possibility is genuinely endless, but it comes back down to a different set of questions and a set of questions that we find very difficult to, to ask ourselves unless we're in these really, you know, crucible moments. You know, if you had the opportunity to to kinda go back to your 11 year old self or even to go back to to to that kind of, that that that that boy who's, you know, even in your early twenties, that boy who's looking to join the the police force, what do you know about yourself now that you could share with them in those moments?
Rob Hosking [00:26:52]:
Yeah. I would say don't be a passenger in your own life. That's one of the main things. Like, be the driver. Because when we're a passenger in something in our own life, that's exactly what we are. We're just going with the flow, not having any control of what our life looks like. I look back now, I think Whether I was 11 or 22 or 31, I am the master of my own fate. So, you know, I get to decide what I want to do in my daily life, and I just remind them back then that these young versions of myself, just to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
Rob Hosking [00:27:32]:
1st, that's a big one where they always fear of, oh, yeah, but that's the unknown. But that where the unknown is, that's actually where the growth takes place. You know, that's where we actually need to follow rather than this path of this is what I know and this is what. You know, it's the safety path. And I would be yeah. I'd tell them that, and I would just tell them focus on you, focus on who you are as a person, and your core values. And don't let anybody, or anything, or any job, whatever, do not let anybody change it. Because when you're allowing people to change your core values, well, you're not being true to yourself.
Rob Hosking [00:28:12]:
You're not living an aligned life, and, well, I changed in the place. I was someone who always wore my emotions on my sleeve before the place, and then in the place very hardened. I don't know where you had to be professional, but I became too hardened where even in my personal life I wasn't sharing, I was getting so closed off to my own emotions. I was never like that. I knew how I felt. And when I was closed off to my emotions, no wonder then I wanted to empty my life because I like a situation, a place, a job to change who I was. So that advice of just focus on you, on your happiness. People ask you know, people might say, oh, selfish.
Rob Hosking [00:28:52]:
No. It's it's a selfless act by focusing on you. You need to be selfish to do what you want in your life because, you know, there's been so many times in my life where I was like, oh, I had this chance to do this, but I didn't do it because of this reason. I've had a chance to do this. And I've managed to sort of think, take opportunities as they come because we don't know what an opportunity will bring to say yes to things.
James Glover [00:29:17]:
And if
Rob Hosking [00:29:17]:
they're not scared or no.
James Glover [00:29:18]:
Well, that idea of of of being a passenger is such a, it's such a kind of powerful metaphor for, like, the experiences that we feel we can either own or not. And, and almost the kind of the overwhelm that comes with, well, what does it mean to be the driver? Like, if I am the driver, then, actually, you know, is my dad always right? I mean, that's a scary thing to not just go, well, the areas. And if I trust that, then everything's gonna be okay. Because probably up until 11 years old or even up until 16, every time he did say that stuff, he was right. And, you know, I I could trust that and I could put my belief in that. And actually, that was really cool because then I didn't have to worry about it. I didn't have to take on that responsibility. So at one level, there's this sense of potential overwhelm of, am I can I take ownership? Can I take responsibility for those decisions and those choices? But what I'm also hearing you say is that the the start point to being able to answer these questions is it's about understanding how you feel.
James Glover [00:30:24]:
That that's all we're really talking about is it's about understanding how you feel because that data, that information in any given situation of being able to know how we feel gives us a sense of what direction to travel, where there might be excitement and interest and anticipation and a little bit of anxiety and fear and nervousness or where there might be. Judgement and frustration and cynicism or, you know, overwhelm and sadness and and and kind of depression. And the more we're able to just pay attention to that kind of emotional data, the more it gives us the the almost the compass bearing of where do I head? And to your point, if you take if you if you have an experience or the more experiences you have, the more data you generate, the more data you generate, the more insight you have over, or what do I like? What do I care about? What what does create tension in me? Oh, if I do this, that didn't feel very good. Well, that must mean that there's something going on there. What is it? That's where your core values start to be generated from. Right? If you're put in situations where you feel really compromised, yeah, this probably isn't something that feels really meaningful to me and really significant and important to me. So maybe let's not do that again.
Rob Hosking [00:31:43]:
Yeah. Definitely. And, you know, especially when we're younger, we always feel like when we're judged it's because we're doing something wrong. But the fact of the matter is when we're judged, it's because people don't understand what you're doing. They can't comprehend it, or it brings up feelings within themselves of whether it's jealousy or whatever it may be. It's on them. Their feelings and their judgment is on them, not on your decision. But when we're younger, especially myself, you you know, for my dad, especially, you think, well, if I'm judged by this, it must be because I'm wrong and he's right rather than he just doesn't understand.
James Glover [00:32:23]:
Yeah. Or and and I love that. I love that. That kind of if we're experiencing judgment, it's because I've made the wrong decision or I'm making the wrong choice rather than acknowledging that it's not about me at all. It's actually about somebody else. I had, heard a really great quote this week, and it was a a CEO who was just talking about kind of advice that they'd been given. And there were 2 pieces of advice. There was one that was coming from them and one that that came from them from the from their mom.
James Glover [00:32:51]:
And the one that came from their mom was like, looks on in your twenties, try as many different things as you possibly can in your thirties because of all of those experiences. Figure out what you're good at, really get to the point where you know what you're good at. And then in your forties, make some money at the stuff that you're really good at. And then in your fifties, do as little as is humanly possible. I was like, Wow, yes to yes to that kind of that way of being able to experience life. But, they then talked about the kind of the piece of advice for themselves, which is, when I when he thinks about that timeline, he looks at it slightly differently in that in in in our twenties, we spend so much time worrying about what other people think that it really influences our actions in our thirties. We start to want to be able to take a little bit of ownership over what we think and what we care about. And by the time we're in our forties, we actually really acknowledge that it's not about other people at all.
James Glover [00:33:47]:
It's about us. And When we get to our fifties, we realize nobody was ever really looking at us anyway. They were always just dealing with their own stuff. I was like, wow. It's just it's just really amazing, isn't it? See, there is a point you'll get to in life where you go, wow. All that stuff I absorbed, that negative stuff that I absorbed, was never about me anyway. And yet, look how much I've been carrying.
Rob Hosking [00:34:09]:
Exactly. And that's the that's the problem. People carry it for too long in their lives, and they make decisions based on it. And I've you know, I feel fortunate. I say that was the my last shift was the worst day of my life. But now I look back in it, and I say it was the best day of my life. And I certainly know that life sound cruel to some people, but it was the best day of my life because it allowed me to change. It opened my eyes into all these things we're talking about now that maybe it would keep people until their 5th day to realize.
Rob Hosking [00:34:40]:
But for me, I'm like, no. I I see clarity and clarity and I because of what's happened. I've, you know, experienced trauma. If she's experienced, I've said in the police, this is just dental bits of trauma that I've witnessed. I've experienced trauma day in, day out in the police, and I actually heard a a slide recently where it said a police officer will experience between, think it was 406100 traumatic events during their career compared to between 3 4 to a normal member of the public, and that's during their whole life. So, you know, the trauma that I was experiencing has shaped me, although I wish I'd never seen it. It's hard to happen because it shaped my view of life. And I now need to and well, now I do use it to shape who I am as a person, also this idea of meaning, this idea of purpose, because that's what I've learned from all.
Rob Hosking [00:35:32]:
I've learned so many lessons from it. Yeah.
James Glover [00:35:34]:
So that maybe let's shift into that, you know, because the the kind of richness of the journey that you've you've been on. When you start to think about what that means for you today in the present, how do you understand it? How do you and where do you find meaning in your life now?
Rob Hosking [00:35:50]:
So yeah. When I when I look back, all the trauma, I said sometimes at at a certain point, I was I was bitter about it. If the monstrophy, I was bitter. I was better after I left the police. I was resentful resentful towards the police. I was better by the experiences, and I remember I started to have, like, PTSD symptoms, and I got taken in the hospital because I had these heart palpitations. And, anyway, they did the test and went to the doctors, and they did pharma tests. And the test came back and they said, there's something wrong with your liver.
Rob Hosking [00:36:22]:
I said, I wonder what's that? They're like, wait. We're gonna have to you're gonna have to come back and go do more tests. But before those further tests, I had a silent counseling session, and it was my first counseling session to speak about the trauma. But I wasn't actually speaking about it. It was all hip rock. And this silent counseling session showed the different meridian points in my body, and she highlighted that there was negative energy built up in my liver, which represented anger and resentment. So we did this process of any goals, that anger that I had towards the resentment that I had towards the experiences. And I went back to the doctors 2 weeks later, they did the test, and they said, whoever's absolutely fine.
Rob Hosking [00:37:03]:
See, when I held up that anger, when I had when I viewed that part of my life in a negative light, it affected me, physically. Although I didn't see it physically, it affected me, and I checked my liver. Now when I did that goal of all that, I was able to not only heal from it physically, but I healed from it mentally where I was able to say, like, what has this taught me now to have meaning in my life? What meaning is this now going to serve in my life? And I used all these bad experiences, all these negative experiences for good, because now that I know deep down, they had to happen because I can now speak about it to other people to try to make sure that they look after themselves, so they're not as affected by the trauma. That's the meaning that I have now got from these experiences, the meaning that I've been put on this earth where I've been survived the darkest of times, I've survived the trauma. I'm still here because I need to make a difference to the lives of people who need to hear how they can help themselves when they're experiencing whatever it may be, stress, trauma. And this is now where, you know, I speak to police officers, where I spoke to over a 100 police officers a couple weeks ago about trauma and what they can do to themselves, talk about well-being and happiness. And I remember coming off the call, and I was like and I speak to businesses too, but, you know, it's very it's more personal being sought to place because I was like, this is a full circle moment. And I sat there after, and I was like, wait a minute.
Rob Hosking [00:38:44]:
I have went full circle here, and that is the meaning of why these things had to happen. So I can, like, give back. And this meaning in my life of I'm here to help others to make sure that they didn't and don't experience why I didn't. Someone someone said it practically recently and said, so Louie saved my life, my little dog. And he says, Louis saved your life, but now you're a Louis to other people. And I think that was a perfect way to describe my meaning in my life right now. That's how I feel that I want to be in Louis to other people.
James Glover [00:39:24]:
Yeah. And I love how you described that moment with Louis in and it was it was a sense of love. It was it was a sense of love in the moment where you didn't even know that that is what you needed, but it was so much what you needed. I'm assuming that you don't go around licking people's hands basically as a way of demonstrating that love. But, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the importance of being able to kind of show up with love and, you know, there I can I can imagine it's a tough audience? It's a tough audience, especially the police force and coming full circle into that environment where you're stood in front of what you know to be a hardened group of people who are traumatized, whether they're consciously aware of it or not, they are, And to be able to kind of bring love is is exactly what's needed, but almost the last thing that people want in the in an equal measure. And so where and how do you define your own sense of self worth around that now, Rob? Because you, you know, you've made such a transition that my self worth isn't based on meeting the expectations of others here. I've moved beyond that. What where does it come from? Where's the source of it now for you?
Rob Hosking [00:40:37]:
My own self worth comes from just within myself where, you know, this gut feeling of how I feel on a daily basis when I do what I love, It obviously helps when people come up to you after talking, like, oh, it's transformational. Like, it's made me change how I view life and everything. And they did a talk at Money Supermarket, their business a couple weeks ago, and a couple of people came up crying to me after just how emotional life it was for them. But my, you know, my self, worth comes from me. I've realized that I cannot put it on other people. It's not on how much money I make. It's not on how many lives I touch, even though I love touching people's lives. Yes.
Rob Hosking [00:41:21]:
That's great, but I can't put myself worth on that. My self worth comes from how I speak to myself internally, how I feel internally, who I am as a person looking in that mirror, and being proud of the I say proud, I don't like the word, proud, but being happy with the person who's looking back at me. That is my self worth. Also knowing there's so much more to go. There's so many more people to talk to, and that's where I've learned that my self worth is from me. Nobody else can give me self worth.
James Glover [00:41:53]:
And and I guess just I'd be really interested in the kind of the the a bit of a final word from you here really around, this sense of how it guides you going forwards now too because the journeys have really shaped the experiences that reshaped you are profound. And the way in which you've been able to, a, make sense of that and be utilized it in the moment. You know, you're talking about, you know, not trying to live in to not push things into the future, but be here and be here now and acknowledging that I can't put my self worth on other people. I have to own that. It has to be about it has to be about me. I have to govern that. How do you how do you feel purpose is guiding you forwards now? You know, what are the ways in which it influences your choices and your decision making going forwards, so that you feel a sense of faith and belief in what's possible, but also know that you won't be slipping back into to some of those other things?
Rob Hosking [00:42:49]:
I think it's so important in life for everybody to be reflective and analytical. I think that there's 2 traits I've brought into my life, especially you know, I had it before the police. Didn't maybe use them as beneficial as the acutive. Didn't really have them in the place, didn't need them because they're just stuck in that passenger carriage. And now I've realized, wait a minute, these these analytical, reflective skills, they're who I am as a person anyway. I need to make sure they're turned on all the time because when they are, I can I'm I see myself always checking back in, like, is this an aligned decision, or is this a decision based on your ego? Is this a decision based on other people? Why am I making this decision? And I'm constantly analyzing. Sometimes it's not great to try to get sleep at night because we're analyzing some decisions, but it's important to analyze, and it always goes back to those core values. Because you can say, no matter what you did, if I just said yes to the talk or whatever it may be, always look back, like, does that meet my core values of what my meaning is, my purpose is? And if it doesn't, then you have to say no to it.
Rob Hosking [00:44:04]:
And sometimes you have to let people die, but that's okay. Like, you know, if people have asked you, do you wanna go out here, whatever? I'm like, oh, no. I'm not going to. If you can justify it to yourself, because, like, I'm saying no because internally I know that it it'll make me unhappy. Internally I know that it will not meet my core values. It's never from a place of hate. It's not never a place coming from a place of dislike for people or things. It's coming from a place of self worth.
Rob Hosking [00:44:40]:
It's coming from a place of purpose and meaning where I now know internally what I need to do to make me happy. This idea of happiness, yes, I still have to do the dishes at night and do the ice work, but, you know, everything else in my life, like, well, if it's not a hell yes, then it's a no. Even if it's just a yes, if it's not a hell yes, of course it's a no in my life. I have to say no to the things that don't align because I've been there. I've been in my life, especially in those 5 years where I've said yes to things that don't align and I've hit rock bottom. And what happens if the movie's not there the next time? You know? That idea of of what happens if there is a next time. So I need to make sure there's not a next time by living an aligned life, one with full of purpose and following this idea of purpose and what I feel like I'm here for now. Why I've survived those 5 years is to make a difference over people's lives, but also just to make sure that we're following a happier life, and that's what it all comes down to happiness.
James Glover [00:45:41]:
Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. Rob, like, just, yeah, incredible incredible journey. Horrific, but incredible. And thank you for just being courageous enough to kind of face the darknessness, the darkness in and and be able to make some different choices. And to be able to stand in front of a group of people and say there is a different way that it doesn't have to be, you don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to stay in a place that creates illness and misery, that there can be something different and that you don't have to wait for the traumatic in order to make that choice.
James Glover [00:46:26]:
You just need the awareness. And, and how do we build that? Well, I'm hearing 2 really important things. How am I feeling, and what are the things that I really care about? And if I can nail down those two things, then I can just start to see different possibilities in a different future and a different way forward. Thank you so much for, like, being with us and sharing this and and kinda taking time. And, yeah, I can't wait to to kinda reconnect and just hear about more of the lives that you've touched and affected by being able to share your story. Thank you.
Rob Hosking [00:47:01]:
Thank you so much.
James Glover [00:47:03]:
Massive thank you for taking the time to listen to the excitable soul podcast. If you are interested in uncovering, understanding, and unleashing your sense of purpose, come and explore our purpose immersion programs at the excitablesoul.com. We look forward to hearing from you there or being with you on our next episode. Have an incredible day.